This was a Triumph : : Huge Success

Amazing. That was my weekend. Wonderful road trip. Wonderful team. Wonderful derby. Wonderful W-I-N. Wonderful friends. Overstated? Not at all! 

SCAR Dolls had their very first full bout on Saturday. What I mean- is that our girls had randomly went to mixers where they play inter-mixed with other teams.  Saturday was the first time that we played as a team of 13- all together- relying only on each other and playing WITH each other. We won, sure- but I really think the high came from FEELING like we won too! We are clicking. We are executing the things we work on...and things are only going to go up from here. 

<3 you SCAR Dolls!

:: this is happiness ::

Oh! And I got a Tattoo!! I'm old enough to make that responsible decision- right? :D

A Good Place

Hello to my few readers. :D  Thank you to those of you who have continually pushed me to start blogging again. I think I'm finally in a place where I'm content with my Derby journey and will be able to start blogging after every practice again.

First- The Debs-
     Debs will always be what made the dream come true for me. I will aways look back and think of Hanna and Tiki in such a bright light that I'm pretty sure nothing could ever diminish it. And while I know that it is highly unlikely that either of them will ever stumble across my unpublished blog--in the event that they do-- Hanna Belle Lector and Tiki Torture-- I hope you have even an inkling of an idea of how wonderful you are! Thank you for your patience and encouraging words (and yes--even your yelling) when my inner Flik thought she could push no harder. I owe so much to you.
     There were also team mates who were always there to push and cheer me on. Above all others I can still hear MyrnaLush, Fannie T., BerNasty and Beretta. Thank you ladies. You each are responsible for getting me through one tough practice or another, I'm sure I didn't say it enough, but thank you.
     And lastly, but certainly not leastly (I don't care that it's not a word). My friends. Derby is like a family and while I know that any of my 60+ teammates would pretty much drop anything and come to my aide- there was definitely a smaller niche of friends that I fell into. They will forever be my derby bff's. So to you- Willie, Amelie, Jessie and Rebel- I love you and miss you like mad. I'm so happy to have had you along on this journey. Thank you for pushing me, crying with me, and never dying with me. :D

Second- The SCAR Dolls-
     Wow, where do I even begin? I have been through some great highs and some serious lows in our short 8 month existence.  I initially joined SCAR because it was the closest league to me. I was obviously attracted by the fact that it was a real derby league (vs. a rec league) too. I quickly found that SCAR was not going to be at all what I expected. I went in thinking I would skate. This was foolish me. When 20 girls get together to start a league and I am one of two who have any sort of derby experience, I get thrusted into a teaching position. This is extremely uncomfortable of for me because I know in the grand scheme of things...I am just a baby derby player. There is SO MUCH that I need to learn and work on myself.
     Those who know me well, know that I have always been extremely hard on myself. For me to be put in a teaching position only multiplied this pressure x10. Annnd...for those who know me-- you also know that I tend to jump in and DO ALL THE THINGS.  Also, leading training (about 60% of the time) also pulled me off my my ability to work on my skills...which only kept compounding the issue. I was trapped in a big nasty circle.  Argh to the nth degree. And that's all I'm going to say.
    Happy Notes-   This group of women are SO SO amazing. They have come to my aide and my defense more than once and I truly feel that I am part of a real community. They are there to support me when I doubt myself. For an 8 month old team we are doing so many things right. There are so many different women who are willing step up and do whatever they need to do to make this league succeed. I have been able step back from coaching and really have refocused on myself as a skater first, and teacher (where the opportunity arrises) second. I really held myself to this idea last practice and I was able to truly enjoy practice for the first time in many many months. I'm on the right track. I can do this with the help of these wonderful ladies.

Tomorrow: Our very first bout. 13 SCAR dolls vs. the IRM Attackonites. Not mixer, a bout. ooof.

There is no crying in roller derby.

****6/6/12****  *** I found this draft that never got published. It encompasses something that I think all girls go through as they skate. It was humbling to read this. My low point in derby. May I never revisit.***

There is no crying in roller derby-

Except...sometimes there is.

A couple of weeks ago a former teammate asked when I was going to blog again. I promised her I would and so I shall. I hadn't updated mostly because I've just been lackadaisical about updating.

The thing is though- that I've also had less than ideal (straight up crappy) practices. That day, after being prompted about writing again, I hit my lowest point EVER at practice. I think I've just hit a major brick wall with my skills. We did many alley cat drills of one variation or another that day and I failed at all of them. This isn't the normal oh-Flik-is-being-hard-on-herself-fail. This is the I-couldn't-stay-on-my-feet-to-save-my-life fail. I fell when I was blocking and I fell when I was jamming. I sucked. I straight up sucked and my spirits were broken. I don't cry. Not at movies. Not at weddings. Not when things aren't great. Never.

I cried.

I skated into the hallway into a far of corner and just sobbed. I don't expect miracles. I don't expect to be a great derby player. I just ask that my body do what my mind asks it to do.

And so I skipped practice the week after that. And the week after that. And now I'm just in a bad place all together. I need to go back. I know I do. Here's hoping my feet carry me where my mind tells them to go. For once.

Thanks for reading F.T.