This was a Triumph : : Huge Success

Amazing. That was my weekend. Wonderful road trip. Wonderful team. Wonderful derby. Wonderful W-I-N. Wonderful friends. Overstated? Not at all! 

SCAR Dolls had their very first full bout on Saturday. What I mean- is that our girls had randomly went to mixers where they play inter-mixed with other teams.  Saturday was the first time that we played as a team of 13- all together- relying only on each other and playing WITH each other. We won, sure- but I really think the high came from FEELING like we won too! We are clicking. We are executing the things we work on...and things are only going to go up from here. 

<3 you SCAR Dolls!

:: this is happiness ::

Oh! And I got a Tattoo!! I'm old enough to make that responsible decision- right? :D

A Good Place

Hello to my few readers. :D  Thank you to those of you who have continually pushed me to start blogging again. I think I'm finally in a place where I'm content with my Derby journey and will be able to start blogging after every practice again.

First- The Debs-
     Debs will always be what made the dream come true for me. I will aways look back and think of Hanna and Tiki in such a bright light that I'm pretty sure nothing could ever diminish it. And while I know that it is highly unlikely that either of them will ever stumble across my unpublished blog--in the event that they do-- Hanna Belle Lector and Tiki Torture-- I hope you have even an inkling of an idea of how wonderful you are! Thank you for your patience and encouraging words (and yes--even your yelling) when my inner Flik thought she could push no harder. I owe so much to you.
     There were also team mates who were always there to push and cheer me on. Above all others I can still hear MyrnaLush, Fannie T., BerNasty and Beretta. Thank you ladies. You each are responsible for getting me through one tough practice or another, I'm sure I didn't say it enough, but thank you.
     And lastly, but certainly not leastly (I don't care that it's not a word). My friends. Derby is like a family and while I know that any of my 60+ teammates would pretty much drop anything and come to my aide- there was definitely a smaller niche of friends that I fell into. They will forever be my derby bff's. So to you- Willie, Amelie, Jessie and Rebel- I love you and miss you like mad. I'm so happy to have had you along on this journey. Thank you for pushing me, crying with me, and never dying with me. :D

Second- The SCAR Dolls-
     Wow, where do I even begin? I have been through some great highs and some serious lows in our short 8 month existence.  I initially joined SCAR because it was the closest league to me. I was obviously attracted by the fact that it was a real derby league (vs. a rec league) too. I quickly found that SCAR was not going to be at all what I expected. I went in thinking I would skate. This was foolish me. When 20 girls get together to start a league and I am one of two who have any sort of derby experience, I get thrusted into a teaching position. This is extremely uncomfortable of for me because I know in the grand scheme of things...I am just a baby derby player. There is SO MUCH that I need to learn and work on myself.
     Those who know me well, know that I have always been extremely hard on myself. For me to be put in a teaching position only multiplied this pressure x10. Annnd...for those who know me-- you also know that I tend to jump in and DO ALL THE THINGS.  Also, leading training (about 60% of the time) also pulled me off my my ability to work on my skills...which only kept compounding the issue. I was trapped in a big nasty circle.  Argh to the nth degree. And that's all I'm going to say.
    Happy Notes-   This group of women are SO SO amazing. They have come to my aide and my defense more than once and I truly feel that I am part of a real community. They are there to support me when I doubt myself. For an 8 month old team we are doing so many things right. There are so many different women who are willing step up and do whatever they need to do to make this league succeed. I have been able step back from coaching and really have refocused on myself as a skater first, and teacher (where the opportunity arrises) second. I really held myself to this idea last practice and I was able to truly enjoy practice for the first time in many many months. I'm on the right track. I can do this with the help of these wonderful ladies.

Tomorrow: Our very first bout. 13 SCAR dolls vs. the IRM Attackonites. Not mixer, a bout. ooof.

There is no crying in roller derby.

****6/6/12****  *** I found this draft that never got published. It encompasses something that I think all girls go through as they skate. It was humbling to read this. My low point in derby. May I never revisit.***

There is no crying in roller derby-

Except...sometimes there is.

A couple of weeks ago a former teammate asked when I was going to blog again. I promised her I would and so I shall. I hadn't updated mostly because I've just been lackadaisical about updating.

The thing is though- that I've also had less than ideal (straight up crappy) practices. That day, after being prompted about writing again, I hit my lowest point EVER at practice. I think I've just hit a major brick wall with my skills. We did many alley cat drills of one variation or another that day and I failed at all of them. This isn't the normal oh-Flik-is-being-hard-on-herself-fail. This is the I-couldn't-stay-on-my-feet-to-save-my-life fail. I fell when I was blocking and I fell when I was jamming. I sucked. I straight up sucked and my spirits were broken. I don't cry. Not at movies. Not at weddings. Not when things aren't great. Never.

I cried.

I skated into the hallway into a far of corner and just sobbed. I don't expect miracles. I don't expect to be a great derby player. I just ask that my body do what my mind asks it to do.

And so I skipped practice the week after that. And the week after that. And now I'm just in a bad place all together. I need to go back. I know I do. Here's hoping my feet carry me where my mind tells them to go. For once.

Thanks for reading F.T.

I DID IT!!!!

The skill that has been the thorn in my side has been defeated. There will be no stopping me now. In order to bout one needs to pass all WFTDA (Women's Flat Track Derby Association) minimum skills. I finally passed my 25 laps in 5 minutes skill. Amazeballs. I have had the

other skills passed for ages now and have just been waiting for this high. Eighth time is a

charm...for sure! I know know what success feels like. Top that with the fact that I am FINALLY

playing with a REAL team (which means actual booting opportunities) and I think I am ok calling myself a Roller Girl. First bouts on the docket are 2/23 (Iowa) and 3/25 (Rochester).

In other newsy dolls are coming a long. We did an unofficial 25/5 last night and 80% of them easily passed. The ones that were a bit slow still had improved on their time. It's obvious that they are practicing on their own (open skate or what not) and that is so exciting.

A New Chapter

Thank-you to those who have nudged me to start blogging again. I am quite flattered that people care enough to give me the elbow. Thank you especially to Fannie Tanner and Jenuine.

My blogging drought has stemmed from lots of changes in my derby life. I'm still at it for sure. But I'm in a different place, a different role, and a different....world completely.

As recently as October I took on a night job. It absolutely conflicted with roller derby. I was working overnights. I'd go in 10:3opm (sometimes 3:3opm!!) and be awake all night until the shift was over at 8:30am. I'd drive straight home and with any luck I'd be asleep by 9:30am. Because I was commuting south for practice I'd have to be awake and on the road by 1pm. This schedule sucks, especially when you then ask your body to participate in a very rigorous 3 hour practice. I did this for about a month until I started really noticing my body just not responding like I knew it could. It wasn't doing what my mind asked it too. It was all so very....depressing. I'm not the type that cries. Like...ever. But one day at practice I just totally broke down, I skated off the track and into the hallway. I found a corner and just sobbed. Derby saved me in so many ways that I can even start to articulate it. It has made me stronger, more content, more confident, and just generally more happy. I DID NOT want to give up roller derby...I knew I would be lost- I would lose friendships, I would lose my ONLY form of exercise, I would lose..motivation. Truth.

So I went home that night a looked to see what other leagues were close to me up north. I would drive several hours if I had to in order to make it work. I already had a friend who lived 15 minutes away that was driving just over 2 hours to practice...maybe I could join her. Seriously. Derby is that GREAT. Lo and behold, I found a small team only 1.5 hours from me ( I had been driving 1 hr. 10 minutes). Their practice schedule worked. I wasn't terribly excited to lose out on the AWESOME-NEVER-GOING-TO-BE-SURPASSED training I was getting from MNRG (THANK YOU TIKI AND HANNA!! I OWE SO MUCH TO YOU!!!)...but at least I'd be playing. I started weighing my options and making the good old pros/cons list. That night I sat down to check Facebook and saw a post from one of my friends. It was a "informational" meeting for girls in my are who wanted to play roller derby. Right? Here I am in they turmoil about what to do when a league starts not 30 minutes from me. It's like the curtains opened. Whoopee!!

And so my new journey started. I am now a member of the S.C.A.R. Dolls. (Saint Cloud Area Roller Dolls). It's a different world all together. I find myself being the teacher (that's some scary shit right there) more than the teach-ee. But at the same time I'm excited...I'm already seeing girls passing me in skills...humbling stuff that is! I think before we know it we will have a good core of scrimmage ready girls and the derby stuff can commence. :D I haven't blogged about this because I've been in a weird place about losing seriously awesome training but gaining the real McCoy. It's not good. It's not bad. It just is...and I'm still wrapping my head around it.

Catching up.

I promised myself I'd always be on top of this and post after each practice. Today will involve two weeks worth of posts...but don't worry...it won't be too long. Honestly, there isn't really all that much to say.

WEEK ONE- So this week we practiced in the Xcel. We did stages like we always do in that area. The coaches allowed us to pick our groups 1-4 depending on our level of comfort. I put myself in 2. Even though I was scrimmage ready last session, I have also been off skates for too long and knew I was rusty. I was comfortable with the group I was in for all of the sessions although, admittedly, there were times where I think I should have moved myself up just to be sure I was challenged. I found out later that that top group did some one foot weaving and surly a few other things that would have been helpful in prepping for WFTDA skills testing. I left feeling OH SO HAPPY to be back skating. Man how I have missed it!!

WEEK TWO- My insurance for September didn't happen. So I was off skate. This sucked since the ENTIRE team was getting skill tested and I missed it. I know I can get tested next week...but it won't be nearly the same. There is something about suffering with teammates that makes it all bearable. I hope I'll be able to make it. 25 in 5...I WILL defeat you!

Crapping Bricks.

Well, we had our first official deb meeting. There are 32 returning girls and over 40 new girls. I left the meeting with mixed feelings. I Think mostly because I am so unsure of myself and my abilities. The good news is that we are going to 3 hour sessions. The first will be basically working on skills- agility, footwork, falls, starts, stops, endurance. 2nd is team work stuff. The 3rd hour is scrimmaging...with MNRG skaters. Great. Right? Except---we are no longer scrimmage ready and will have to test into it by passing WFTDA skills. I am freaking out about the 25 in 5. (Skate 25 laps around the derby track in 5 minutes or less). I have tried and failed at this three times in my derby life. Once was when I tried out for NSRG after only skating for 4 months. I got 23 laps in 5 minutes and fell once. The second was at an outside NSRG clinic. I got to 23 again- no falls- but it was outdoors and hot. The third time was last session for debs. We tested "just for our information". Again I fell, and again I fell short of the mark. I think by like 20 seconds. I feel gross and disgustingly out of shape when I have to do that test. And now that it has direct bareing on weather or not I get to keep scrimmaging just tears me up. My teammates are so supportive telling me I can do it...but...I really don't know. Especially after not skating this summer. I guess I'll just keep trying it every week until I get it. Right? Right.